By Cynthia Schuerr (Visual Prompt – Bench Photo)
Etta noticed the snow had deepened, just in the last couple of hours. Kevin walked in the front door stomping his feet on the doormat. He had snowflakes on his eyelashes and Etta saw the little boy in him that she loved to remember. He was the youngest of her three children, who all had families of their own.
“Hey, Mom! How ya doin’?”
“I’m good, sweetie. How are you and Sheila and the boys?”
“We are all excited for the Christmas season to be here once again.”
She thanked him for coming to help her and he climbed a stool to hang the lights in the window. She poured some hot chocolate for each of them. Etta did a fine job of hiding her misery. She and Kevin sat for a few moments to chat.
“Are you sure you’re doin’ OK, Mom? You look a little pale.”
“Ya know, your sister said the same thing the other day. I think you all are used to seeing me with make-up on and I haven’t been using any lately.” I’m getting lazy in my old age,” she laughed.
“Well, you’re still pretty, mom.”
“What a sweet thing to say.” She kissed him on the cheek and refilled his mug.
With only a couple of weeks left until Christmas, the whole family will be very busy running around with last minute this and last minute that to do. They were celebrating at Kevin’s home this year. Etta wasn’t quite sure about putting decorations up, but since it will be her last……….
“Well, I’d better get the rest of these lights up for you, Mom. Sheila wants me to occupy the boys tonight, so she can wrap presents. So much to do and so little time,” he laughed.
“Your father would be so proud of you.” She said with a smile.
Etta felt a moment coming on that she may not be able to handle. Kevin kissed her forehead before he walked out the door. She watched him get into his truck and drive away. A sadness came over her that she had not felt since her husband passed away. It became uncontrollable. She grabbed the arm of the couch and slowly lowered herself onto it. With one hand over her face and the other stretched across her chest and holding her arm, she leaned forward and her body shook with tears. It finally hit that this would be her last Christmas here on earth with her family. She had been so busy thinking about staying strong and hiding her ordeal, that she didn’t realize how much she wanted to live. As she shuddered and shook, the front door opened. Kevin had left his tool belt sitting on the floor and returned to pick it up.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” He put his arms around her and tried to stop her from shaking. She looked up at him and laid her head on his chest. Frightened that she wouldn’t be able to keep her secret from him and the rest of the family much longer, she just continued to cry.
“I know how much you miss Dad.” He said to her.
“Yes,” she said. “Yes, I do so very much.” It was true, she did miss him terribly and she sighed a breath of relief that her secret wasn’t found out just yet.
“Go! Sheila is waiting for you, son. I just had many memories come rushing back to me all at once. I will be fine, now. Go.”
Kevin left and Etta thought how lucky she was to have been able to lay her head on her son’s chest and feel his heartbeat. She watched the snow falling. She continued to have memories flash past her eyes and through her heart. She would not let them make her sad; instead she would count her blessings that she had them at all. She told herself that she was lucky to have had the pain with the pleasure of life. She stood at the window and savored the snowflakes falling against the colors of the lights. Not quite dark, she could still see the empty bench near the edge of the woods, right where Jake had built it so many years ago.
The night came and went without incident. She woke to sunshine and felt her strength replenished. There was still that tree to put up. It was only four feet high, and very easy for her to manage. She just wanted to get it standing and string the lights. The rest, her grandchildren would take care of on Saturday. That was the day she and the girls had settled on to make Christmas cookies. And that is when the little ones will finish decorating Grandma Etta’s tree. Certain, by then, she would be feeling well enough to enjoy it for the last time.
No, she thought to herself, don’t go there. Don’t go to that sad place.
The snow had piled up outside and her winter wonderland lay before her, as she drank her morning tea. She could feel the cold air bouncing off the window. She had no reason to leave the house today and for that, she was thankful.
As though she were beckoned, she grabbed the red plaid jacket that hung by the back door and put her arms through the sleeves slowly wrapping them around her. Etta walked across the property to her favorite place. It was enclosed by birch trees. It faced a field of sugar maple trees that lit up in the fall. However, at this time of the year, all the leaves were gone and the field opened up into a beautiful winter wonderland. Sitting on the bench and at just the right angle, the snow glistened like millions of diamonds. Jake always teased that he would make sure she had all the diamonds she could handle. She smiled and then cried. Talking to herself as if he were standing right there, she said,
“Oh Jake, I really need you with me to tell the children. I don’t know if I can do it alone.”
Looking out across the field, she saw a figure. It frightened her. She wondered who would be on their property. There were “no trespassing” signs up near the road. She stood up and started to walk back to the house, looking over her shoulder, to see if he was following her and he was. More afraid now, she just wanted to get back into the house, lock the door and call the police.
“Etta?” She stopped and then started again.
No, it can’t be. Then she heard the voice calling her again.
“Etta?” Again, she stopped. She turned and saw him much clearer this time.
“Jake? Oh, my God, Jake? Is it you?”
She tried to run toward him in the heavy snow and as she reached him, she fell to her knees and he caught her and lifted her to him. She stared, afraid to look away. Afraid he would disappear. With his arm
around her shoulder and holding her close to his chest, he walked her to the bench and there they sat. He told her how very happy he was that she would be joining him soon.
“Will you be the one to take me when the time comes, Jake? Will I take my walk to Heaven with you?” He nodded and smiled so bright that his eyes shined.
“Yes, Etta, it will be with me.” She leaned her head on his shoulder and played with the button on his coat. She wanted Jake to come home with her. She knew, however, that he couldn’t. She wished his children could see him once again. She wanted to see his face again and looked up at him, but he was gone.
“Jake! Jake! Come back to me, Jake!” Her face was wet with tears. The snow was settling on her and she began to feel the cold. Slowly walking back to the house, looking back over her shoulder, she was convinced it wasn’t a dream.
Drying her eyes, she heated the tea kettle. A warm cup of chamomile would calm her. She stared out the window holding the tea cup steady and hoping to catch a glimpse of him one more time. But, somehow she knew the next time he came to her would be her last moment on earth.
It wasn’t time. She had yet to tell her children…but it would have to wait until after Christmas.