The longer days and crisper nights were a sure sign for me that the holidays were on their way. Walking to school, kicking up fresh piles of leaves, with the smell of wood fires in the air, as people try to fight the morning chill, were always my favorite part of fall. When I got home I could see that mom had been brooding all day, trying no doubt to think up something horrid to say to my sister. In our family the fall stormy weather brought with it a storm of another kind, the full on, in your face, smack down family Christmas. This was preceded by a smaller event, the thankless giving dinner, the giving part was usually one bit of lip service, possibly followed by a food fight with the younger participants. Personally I had never been able to figure out the unwritten rules for engagement, and in fact they may have just been winging it all these years.
The only thing that I knew for sure is when someone asked, “Could you please pass me the…” whatever followed was irrelevant, because this was almost always followed by something sailing closely past my face. Mashed potatoes, corn, peas and once a nicely formed aerial glob of tomato soup, with one of those fish shaped soup crackers in the middle. I do give credit for the clearly defined first strike, which comes in response to the lobbed food, sometimes almost before the food has had time to reach its target. My cousin mike and I would warily look around the table at the squinty eyed glares of the adults, trying to gauge who it would be this year. He’d shrug as he looked at me, because all the adults looked primed and ready to fire at the sounding volley. Thankless giving was a full on family event, whereas smack down Christmas was a more intimate affair.
Prior to the smack down is the proper placement of the tree, so that participants have a full opportunity to crash into it, shattering bulbs and tinkling of tiny pieces of glass as they hit the floor ads a festive touch to things. One year my sister bought one of those Christmas trees made out of aluminum foil, with a spotlight that had a rotating colored disk in front of it. That was quickly discarded though in favor of a live tree, that was covered with flock to make it look like snow. Nothing like the scent of a chemically induced snow storm to cover that otherwise annoying smell of pine. Nothing beats the toxic high of being trapped in a small room with a chemically induced snow covered tree to enhance the smack down experience.
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It should be noted here, for those wanting to hold their own smack down Christmas, the day has to start out mellow and niceties shared between the soon warring parties. This adds a nice bit of irony to things.
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The day should begin with a nice hearty family breakfast, to ensure that stamina is maintained throughout the event. Gifts are exchanged, with lots of hugging, and appreciation shown. This is a crucial part now. Very soon regret should be expressed that more could not be given, due to budget restrictions, planter alignment, or whatever excuse immediately comes to mind. Regrets over a slovenly lifestyle that led to such cheap displays of affection, and some nice digs about errors made during an ill spent youth. Immediately this is followed up by some heartfelt shoving, with a couple of quick rabbit punches.
It is at this point that you can decide to wind things down a notch, or go full tilt into the main event. The best tactic seems to be a nice sucker punch to the back of the head of the other participant, as they turn, pretending lack of interest in further grief. Rules are out the door, except all sharp objects, or firearms be placed in a room separate from the festivities. Hair pulling, neck biting, floor thumbing using your opponents head are all allowed. There are no special awards for first blood, other than bragging rights. Rolling, slapping, kicking and of course punching are all encouraged. Spectators should try to find a large couch or overstuffed chair to sit in, this allows participants to bounce off the furniture and make you feel more like part of the event. After a good hard workout, cracking of ribs and noses time out is granted. This allows both parties to glare at each other as they gasp for air.
When the fight has been beat out of them both parties must be willing to get mushy and tearful, tearful apologies about unfair ploys expressed and hugs given. This is usually done just in time to pull that golden brown turkey out of the oven and placed mid table. Everybody expresses awe at such a wonderful feast and after a hasty prayer begin filling their plates. Laughter and crooked smiles are freely given through swollen lips and tears flow from partially swollen eyes as another festive holiday goes down in the record books. Thankfully for all this is followed by a somewhat silent night!!