“Can I help you?”
“Yes sir, hello sir! I hope I’m not bothering you this fine Sunday afternoon.”
“Well, we were just about to sit down to dinner—”
“Don’t worry, sir, I won’t take more than a minute of your time. Have you ever been too busy to get all that yard work done? Or perhaps your wife has mentioned that all the cleaning and cooking is just too much? Have you ever considered hiring a maid service?”
“Um, no—”
“Does your son—do you have a son?”
“Yes, but—”
“Does he ever struggle with his homework?”
“What kid doesn’t, but I don’t see what that has—”
“Does your car need more attention than you can give it? Or maybe a tune-up you just can’t afford?”
“I’m sorry, sir, I just don’t see—”
“Of course you don’t, but let me just open this moving crate here and, voila! I give you the automated HouseHelper 5000! This machine can do every task I just mentioned and more.”
“Now hold on a moment. This…this is impressive and all, but—”
“Ted? Honey, who is at the door? …Oh my.”
“Ma’am, are you Mrs. Theodore Arova?”
“I am.”
“Then I’d like to introduce you to the HouseHelper 5000. I was just telling your husband that if you struggle with all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry around your home, one of these machines may be just what you need!”
“Well, I did suggest hiring a cleaner last week, Ted.”
“I told you to make Bobby help. He’s always playing video games.”
“I am not! What’s going—whoa, it’s a robot!”
“Bobby, go back to the table. This man was just leaving.”
“Before I go, will you allow me to demonstrate what the HouseHelper can do?”
“We don’t need any kind of robot in this house.”
“Let’s just see it, Ted. It will be interesting to watch, at least.”
“This machine is a thrill to watch! Now, do you folks have a vacuum cleaner?”
“Bobby, go get the vacuum.”
“As I was explaining to your husband, Mrs. Arova, this machine can do much more than clean. With its artificial intelligence, it can help Billy with his homework—”
“His name is Bobby.”
“Of course. It can also plan meals, cook like a gourmet chef, and help you do your bills and taxes! Among many other tasks.”
“Here’s the vacuum, Dad.”
“Just plug it in for me, son, while I flip the HouseHelper’s ‘on’ switch. There she goes!”
“Good day. How may I. assist you?”
“Wonderful, isn’t it? Come over here, HouseHelper. These people want to see you vacuum.”
“Vacuum—cleaning mode.”
“Look how it moves! We have some very talented engineers working on these. It’s as close as you can get to human movement.”
“Yes, but can it vacuum?”
“See for yourself, ma’am.”
“That is so cool! I’ll never have to vacuum again.”
“Hold on, I never said we were buying one. This HouseHelper, does it come with any guarantees or warranties?”
“Absolutely, sir. We offer a two-year and a five-year warranty for a small extra charge, and this model is guaranteed for a year. Anything goes wrong, and you can ship it back and get a replacement.”
“Check it out, Dad, it’s dusting now!”
“Now, I haven’t heard anything about a price yet. I probably can’t even afford it.”
“That’s the best part. Because of the high demand for this product—quite a few of your neighbors have already ordered one—we’re able to mass-produce them. Those discounts go straight to you.”
“Yes, but how much?”
“The total retail cost of the HouseHelper 5000 is twelve hundred dollars. But I’m not charging anything near that. With my payment plan, you pay three hundred dollars up front, then when your machine is delivered, you pay the other three hundred. That’s right, six hundred dollars, half the retail price! How can you beat a deal like that?”
“That is good.”
“I’m gonna get my math homework, see if it can figure those problems out.”
“Has this product been reviewed anywhere?”
“As a matter of fact, take a look at this flyer. It gives you a full list of the HouseHelper’s functions, as well as endorsements, extra features, warranty plans, and more.”
“Let me see, Ted.”
“Here, what’s the answer to this problem?”
“Problem—homework mode. What subject are you having difficulty with?”
“Math.”
“Loading. One moment, please. What would you like me to look at?”
“If this thing can really improve his math grades, it’s worth six hundred dollars.”
“I don’t know how to divide that one.”
“Can it do yard work as well?”
“Absolutely. I believe it mentions that in the brochure.”
“Oh, look, it says it can fold laundry!”
“Dad, it solved the problem. And I watched, so I understood it.”
“Six hundred dollars….”
“In two payments. And it comes with upgrades every few months. Think of the work it could save you, not to mention the time.”
“I could get a part-time job, Ted.”
“I wouldn’t have to clean my room!”
“Sounds like a majority vote. What do you say, Mr. Arova?”
“Well, if it really can do everything listed, and there’s a guarantee...does that cover defects and damage?”
“Absolutely. We understand that using the HouseHelper 5000 properly takes some time, so any accidents in the first year are covered. Plus the extra warranties.”
“I don’t usually buy warranties. If this thing hasn’t paid for itself in a year, it’s a dud anyway.”
“Oh, it most certainly will. But don’t worry, we’ve been testing these for a few years now, and they show no signs of wearing out soon.”
“Well, I guess I’m in.”
“Wonderful! I’m sure you’ll be very pleased with this product. Here’s an order form. I’ll need your mailing address so we can ship it to you. You’ll receive it within three to five weeks—the downside of mass production, you see, our plant is in Texas.”
“Can I pay with a credit card?”
“There’s a line for that here on the form.”
“I’ll go reheat dinner.”
“Thanks, Sue.”
“Can it do dishes?”
“Sorry, kid, that’s one chore you’ll be stuck with. The HouseHelper isn’t great around water. We’re hoping to waterproof our next model, though.”
“I think that’s everything.”
“Just a signature at the bottom, and you’re done. HouseHelper, return to home.”
“Returning.”
“That’s another feature. You’ll set a ‘home base’ for the HouseHelper, where she’ll always go, to shut down or recharge.”
“She? Do they all have female voices?”
“There are several voice settings to choose from. Most people simply find a female voice less intrusive and more calming.
“Thank you once again for your time, sir. Have a lovely evening.”
“How many more houses? I’m dying in this heat. Can’t we go back to Minnesota?”
“We’ve only covered half this neighborhood. And since we’ve sold fifteen today, we’re staying here.”
“Let’s take a break, all right?”
“You’re doing great. Dusting the furniture was brilliant.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a good thing the kid was young. If his math problems had been any harder, we might have been in trouble.”
“I always said you were the brains of the operation.”
“It’s a good thing you got the beauty, then, because no one’s seeing mine.”
“Don’t be like that! We wouldn’t have a con without you.”
“Then protect your product and give me a little fresh air. Come on, Jerry.”
“You can’t sound seducing with that voice modulator.”
“I’m not seducing. I’m asking.”
“Get in the crate, Shelby.”