Standing on the boat’s deck, I stared as the fog covered the last remaining lights of the shore. I was never good at distances, and I wasn’t sure how far out we were. Far enough, I imagined. Far enough.
It had only been a week since I’d walked in on her with my husband. In my own bed, nonetheless. Despite the tears I’d cried, not only that night but every night since, my mind could not wash away the image of her with him. My mind could not wash away the image of his face – the utter pleasure displayed for both her and me to see. My mind could not cleanse away the slight upturning of her mouth as she noticed me standing in the doorway, my breathing almost as labored as hers was, but for completely different reasons. I stood speechless, embarrassed, angry and ashamed in the doorway as she slowly picked up her clothing and pushed her way past me and he just lay across the bed - stunned.
Although I stood on my own two feet, I felt myself being sucked into a dark depth from which I didn’t know how I’d return.
He’d promise me a thousand times since then that it was a one-time mistake. He’d vowed she meant nothing. He’d sworn it would never happen again. “Let’s get away. Let’s just go some place – any place - and let me prove to you that you’re the only one for me. You always have been. You always will be.”
I wasn’t convinced there would be trust between us again. I reluctantly agreed to a weekend on our boat; however, I was sure the damage to our relationship couldn’t be repaired with a few days at sea.
As I packed for us to spend the weekend on our boat, I made sure I had my sleeping pills. My intentions weren’t really clear to me at the time, but as Friday evening gave way to night just off the coast, I knew I just couldn’t be with him anymore. As I mixed his drink, I added the sleeping pills. And when he was slobbering drunk, I pushed him over the edge. Just like that. Without a second thought. I felt satisfied knowing that he’d never fully know the truth.
Then, with the last of his tainted drink, I chocked down a handful of the pills and jumped myself. To my gulf-shore grave, I would carry this atrocity: I had cheated first.