By Katelyn S. Irons (I Used To Dream)
It was the first real day of spring weather. Days had come before when Maddy had changed into shorts and a tank top, but the inviting sunshine she had seen out the window had only been a disguise that the winter day had put on. Those days the wind had still been as cold and biting as ever. Today was different.
Today the wind blew but, instead of biting, it caressed her. The breeze made her feel like if she spread her arms she'd leave the ground. She did, but didn't. Her flowered blouse ruffled around her body as she walked across the campus' grand stretch of greening grass. This was exactly what she needed today, something to lift her spirits.
"Maddy!" A young woman stretched out on a yellow blanket yelled and waved to her. "Maddy! How did it go?"
Maddy crossed the street and sat down on the blanket. "Isn't it a glorious day?"
"I ask you how it went silly!" The girl readjusted her tank top and slapped Maddy's knee.
"It went.... Well, it didn't actually." Maddy said. "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just enjoy this beautiful day."
"You're going to have to get over this." The girl scolded.
"I just... Scoot over." Maddy stretched out and combed her fingers through her short blonde hair. "I can't handle talking to her."
"It's going to just get harder the longer you wait."
"I know."
"I thought you wanted to meet her."
"I did." Maddy shook her head. "At least I thought I did."
"Well you're going to have to figure it out. Spring break is coming up fast. I wanna know if you're coming to Florida with me or going to visit."
"I know, Jas." Why is it so hard to decide? She isn't going to want to see me. She gave me up. A bird flew overhead singing a sweet tweedle-dee. But what if she does? What if she gave me up for my own good like young mothers say sometimes in the movies? Her mind kept playing tennis, volleying one idea after another at her. She stared off into the blue.
"Maddy!"
"What?!" Maddy jumped.
"You're doing it again."
"What?"
"Staring off and starting to hum. What are you humming this time?"
"It's from a musical. You wouldn't know it." Maddy always hummed when she was nervous. This time she hummed her favorite song from the musical Les Miserables. I dreamed a dream in time gone by...
"Just call them at least. That can't hurt." When hope was high and life worth living...
Maddy tilted her head back and as the sun's heat washed over her in waves of wind. I dreamed that love would never die. It could hurt. She had been warned so often. I dreamed that God would be forgiving. She had been told so often it was a closed adoption and that it was for her own good.
"Maddy! Stop humming!"
"I'll just go for a walk." Maddy walked away off the green and onto the sidewalk. I had a dream my life would be... The monstrous trees overhead reached down with clawy branches. So different from this hell I'm living... When her mother passed last year and she was finally on her own, she was shocked to read her own adoption papers. Among the open adoption papers were 5 letters from her birth mother, sent on her birthdays. The last one said simply, "Happy 5th Birthday Madeline. Love, Clarice."
Did her mother discourage her birth mother from communicating? What happened? Why would her mother lie to her? Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. She kept humming. When she thought of this a gloom set over the earth. Life wasn't worth living anymore. She had to know the truth. She had to know why her mother kept her from this woman.
She sighed, steeled herself, and swiped her phone to call. "Hello? Clarice McClarren?" She paused. "This is your daughter."
The line went dead or seemed to. Maddy checked her phone. It was still connected. "Hello?"
"My daughter?" A shaky voice came over the end.
"Yes. Your daughter." She wondered what would be said next. 'You were a mistake. Why would I want you after all these years? I have a new family now." The words almost stuck in her throat but she coughed and rushed on. It's all or nothing now. "I used to dream that I would bump into you on the street. That you would be humming because that's something neither of my parents do and I figured I got it from you. I used to wonder why you didn't want me. I used to wonder what I did wrong to make you give me up. I know you probably don't care a thing about talking to me after all this time, but, well, I guess I'm masochistic because I can't handle not knowing and not at least trying to contact you."
The other end had been silent but there started small sniffles from the other end of the line. The sunshine burst through the gloom and the one response that Maddy never expected came over the line. "What took you so long?"
It was the first real day of spring weather. Days had come before when Maddy had changed into shorts and a tank top, but the inviting sunshine she had seen out the window had only been a disguise that the winter day had put on. Those days the wind had still been as cold and biting as ever. Today was different.
Today the wind blew but, instead of biting, it caressed her. The breeze made her feel like if she spread her arms she'd leave the ground. She did, but didn't. Her flowered blouse ruffled around her body as she walked across the campus' grand stretch of greening grass. This was exactly what she needed today, something to lift her spirits.
"Maddy!" A young woman stretched out on a yellow blanket yelled and waved to her. "Maddy! How did it go?"
Maddy crossed the street and sat down on the blanket. "Isn't it a glorious day?"
"I ask you how it went silly!" The girl readjusted her tank top and slapped Maddy's knee.
"It went.... Well, it didn't actually." Maddy said. "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just enjoy this beautiful day."
"You're going to have to get over this." The girl scolded.
"I just... Scoot over." Maddy stretched out and combed her fingers through her short blonde hair. "I can't handle talking to her."
"It's going to just get harder the longer you wait."
"I know."
"I thought you wanted to meet her."
"I did." Maddy shook her head. "At least I thought I did."
"Well you're going to have to figure it out. Spring break is coming up fast. I wanna know if you're coming to Florida with me or going to visit."
"I know, Jas." Why is it so hard to decide? She isn't going to want to see me. She gave me up. A bird flew overhead singing a sweet tweedle-dee. But what if she does? What if she gave me up for my own good like young mothers say sometimes in the movies? Her mind kept playing tennis, volleying one idea after another at her. She stared off into the blue.
"Maddy!"
"What?!" Maddy jumped.
"You're doing it again."
"What?"
"Staring off and starting to hum. What are you humming this time?"
"It's from a musical. You wouldn't know it." Maddy always hummed when she was nervous. This time she hummed her favorite song from the musical Les Miserables. I dreamed a dream in time gone by...
"Just call them at least. That can't hurt." When hope was high and life worth living...
Maddy tilted her head back and as the sun's heat washed over her in waves of wind. I dreamed that love would never die. It could hurt. She had been warned so often. I dreamed that God would be forgiving. She had been told so often it was a closed adoption and that it was for her own good.
"Maddy! Stop humming!"
"I'll just go for a walk." Maddy walked away off the green and onto the sidewalk. I had a dream my life would be... The monstrous trees overhead reached down with clawy branches. So different from this hell I'm living... When her mother passed last year and she was finally on her own, she was shocked to read her own adoption papers. Among the open adoption papers were 5 letters from her birth mother, sent on her birthdays. The last one said simply, "Happy 5th Birthday Madeline. Love, Clarice."
Did her mother discourage her birth mother from communicating? What happened? Why would her mother lie to her? Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. She kept humming. When she thought of this a gloom set over the earth. Life wasn't worth living anymore. She had to know the truth. She had to know why her mother kept her from this woman.
She sighed, steeled herself, and swiped her phone to call. "Hello? Clarice McClarren?" She paused. "This is your daughter."
The line went dead or seemed to. Maddy checked her phone. It was still connected. "Hello?"
"My daughter?" A shaky voice came over the end.
"Yes. Your daughter." She wondered what would be said next. 'You were a mistake. Why would I want you after all these years? I have a new family now." The words almost stuck in her throat but she coughed and rushed on. It's all or nothing now. "I used to dream that I would bump into you on the street. That you would be humming because that's something neither of my parents do and I figured I got it from you. I used to wonder why you didn't want me. I used to wonder what I did wrong to make you give me up. I know you probably don't care a thing about talking to me after all this time, but, well, I guess I'm masochistic because I can't handle not knowing and not at least trying to contact you."
The other end had been silent but there started small sniffles from the other end of the line. The sunshine burst through the gloom and the one response that Maddy never expected came over the line. "What took you so long?"