“Do you remember?” I asked. Searching for recognition on your face, I see none. There is only blankness. You don’t blink; just stare straight ahead. "What can I say now that it’s too late? Could I have changed anything if I had tried?"
Yesterday you were my world. Today you are a shell of yourself and can’t remember, but I do. Such a vibrant person you were, so full of passion yet tender when needed. Why? I ask this again and there is no answer. I could never fit you into a particular mold and heaven knows I tried. One minute you would be so judgmental and the next filled with compassion. Being quick to laugh and smile, you disarmed us all.
You were a joy to everyone, including me. But I was the only one who ever saw your other side. The demons must have been many but you never shared them with me. You trusted no one with your emotions. Maybe if you had, I could have saved you but now I’ll never know.
Always, family and friends will remember the brightness you brought into their lives. The patience and love you showed can’t be diminished. I laugh to myself as I see you working on a project with one of the kids, heads together, and tongue poking out of the corner of your mouth, so intent on what you are doing. And years later, the same scene, only this time with a grandchild. How could we not love you? So many years’ together creating memories. I still can’t figure out when the changes started or had I just been blinded by love? Then your behavior toward me became different somehow. At first I ignored your mood changes, figuring we all have bad days on occasion. It seems strange to me now that the only changes were with me.
The community at large would be shocked if it became aware of the terrors that overcame you at times. Never would you have been allowed in places requiring confidenuallity. You abused that trust by using the information for yourself. Not one of our friends would have let you drive their children to events, or for that matter, to associate with us. You were so clever the way you kept that part of your personality a secret.
I keep remembering all the good you brought to us. It has to outweigh the evil you committed; only you didn’t consider your deeds that way, did you? Always the intent was justified for the ones who couldn’t fight back.
I was never able to understand your obsessions. Your private causes were the cases that had failed to protect the abused. Mostly women and children but occasionally a man was the victim. Using your position of trust, the confidential information fed a need to free our city of the monsters that preyed on the innocent and got away with it. In your mind, the worst were those held in high esteem within the community. Sadly, you ended up, like them, showing a false face to the world.
Do you remember how many lives were changed by your actions? Of course you would rationalize your actions by saying there was no loss; the world was a safer place because of you. Excuses were so easy to find.
I marvel that I didn’t’ make the connection years before. Hindsight does me no good now. You were so clever with each kill, never using the same method twice. And each one appeared to be accidental. You were so careful to keep your distance so no one would connect you with the death. Each time you killed, you freed others from a life of continual terror.
When did it all start? And why? Mistreatment and violence had never been a part of your life. Yet it became your mission to avenge the victims. It’s probably just as well I don't have any answers. I will be forever tormented by what you became. Yet I love you still. My promise to you is this . . . I will never allow your image to be tarnished. It’s your legacy to our children. No one will know you were not always sweet and loving.
I continue to watch you, waiting. The blankness in your eyes remains the same. You are past remembering now and I wonder if it is finally over and done with. I made sure there would be no suffering. Your secrets will die with you and only your goodness will become our memories. You will remain a woman of strength, filled with love and caring for others. You were a cherished daughter, wife, mother and friend. I have loved you to death.