Sandy was driving. The traffic light was green. Everything is quiet. We’re not moving. We must have had an accident. I can’t open my eyes or extend my arms, or move anything. I feel nothing. I hear nothing. I only have my thoughts. What happened to me?
* * *
“Any signs at all?” Sandy asks the nurse.
“No Ms. The EEG is normal: activity, sleep, dream … but his body is not responsive.”
Sandy enters the room and sits by the body. She puts her purse on the edge of the bed and she ignores that it falls on the floor.
“I’m so sorry sweetie!” She says, choked up in tears, “I’m so sorry.”
She holds his hand; it feels relaxed and warm enough. The EEG shows no difference as She talks to him.
“Randy … It’s me, your sandy beach! You must think I’m a bitch! That truck came out of nowhere. I tried to turn away. It was too late. By the time … You must believe me. Please forgive me.”
“Ms?”
“Yes.”
“He can’t hear you. See the EEG isn’t reacting to your words. He is in his own world.”
“He’s gotta come back to me.”
The nurse leaves shaking her head.
Sandy looks around and slips her hand under the sheet, finds the top of his thigh and tries to arouse him.
“Randy … remember … you used to like this.”
She cries.
* * *
Strange place I am in. This is not what I imagined the afterlife to be. Nothing like Heaven or Hell. Just … stranded nowhere! Unless I am still alive, unable to access my senses. Wouldn’t I have choked up on my saliva by now, or died from dehydration or starvation? Unless I am in a hospital and I am hooked up to all sorts of machines … That must be it! How can I let them know my brain is still working? They must have checked that out too.
I’m not in pain. It’s like I’m in a sensory deprivation tank. I can’t hear, see, touch, smell, or taste anything. I can only think. I’ve read stories of people trying that kind of tank and their minds just think all sorts of things before they finally calm down. I’ve never believed in that. I wonder …
* * *
“Sweetie, I brought you some CDs and a boom box. Let’s put on your favorite!”
She plays Summertime by Lady Day.
“Common Babe! C’mon now! Sweet, sweet Darling … Remember?”
The EEG goes flat.
“Nurse! Nurse!” Sandy yells out.
* * *
Oh! I am not in my body anymore. I’m in a hospital room. Sandy is holding my hand leaning over my body. My body is just laying there on the bed and my mind is unconscious. I can see everything from the ceiling corner opposite the hallway door. I see the nurse at the door.
“Yes Ms?”
… and I can hear.
“The EEG is completely flat.”
The nurse gets to my wrist and puts a finger under my nostrils. “His pulse is low but regular, and he is breathing. Why don’t you get a rest? We can call you.”
“Would you pray with me?”
“Ms, I have other patients. I’m sure you understand.”
The nurse leaves. I know Sandy’s thoughts. God, please bring me my Randy back. What will I do alone? You know how other men have treated me, taking advantage of me, using me. Randy is not like that. He’s so thoughtful, so considerate. He’s gentle. I didn’t think I deserved him. I’m so grateful to have him in my life. Please send him back to me.
I follow the nurse. I feel pulled by the power of Sandy’s feelings. I become aware of a web of energy between us. Oh! It’s between all life. We affect that web with our intentions and emotions: anger, control, competition, jealousy … but we can also nourish each other with acceptance or love. We can abuse this connection or bless it. I’m pulled back in my body. I can’t see or hear anything.
I am in the most dependent situation possible. Sandy shows her dependence on me. How strange!
* * *
This energy between us … We need to use that energy lovingly, wisely. My energy has prevented Sandy from discovering her own wings. I did too much. I thought that was love. But I did it to woo her so I wouldn’t lose her to another man. She thinks she likes the attention I give her, but when she grows in self esteem, she’ll be suffocating.
And, it’s not just between people. I had to take on a job I didn’t even like in order to pay off my student loan. The system creates hooks of dependence. Education, banks, health care, religions … Very few human systems are built to set you free. I know ministers, mechanics, bankers who are truly of service. But the systems are rigged to live off of your work. We live in a vampire society.
How do I get out of that dependence?
* * *
I see a blinding light. Is this the afterlife? Sandy … It looks like I am leaving for good. There is something I never told you. You could have any man you want. I was scared of losing you. To me you are a goddess of the earth, a fairy in the human flesh. You live like poetry and your breath is ethereal crystals. You create the most delicious meals, the warmest home. With you the most mundane detail is a celebration. You don’t know what a blessing you are to humanity. You don’t need me. But it’d sure be nice to live even one more day with you …
“He’s opening his eyes! Call the doctor!”